Famous and controversial once and future CEO E. Morgan Sprague is expected to dominate the non-fiction lists with Then Make Them Clean It Up With Paper Towels They Bought Themselves From A Store You Own. This follow up to his 2002 managerial-biography Come On All Their Faces should continue the lessons of that wildly popular tome by explaining how to subtract in increments of 10,000 and add in 1/8 and by instilling a contempt for people-who-stand-in-your-way-by-not-doing-what-you-want-quickly-enough in babe and adult alike – the perfect gift for reptilian middle managers and delusional white collar proletarians alike!
For those insatiable little gift-vacuums constantly mewling in your ear for the latest adventures of a magical nerd, try Harry Potter and the Turkish Bath. This delightful little fairy-tail has more of everything a little wizard craves - from giant hairy men riding bareback with monsters between their legs to elegant British sorcerers using their wands to shoot magic all over each other willy-nilly. Including twice as many stupid little made up words! Those precious kids of yours will be holed up in their rooms playing with their little wands in no time! Maybe now they’ll finally shut up - don’t get your hopes up though!
Elvis Costello releases his newest back catalog rerelease with newly remastered Bucktoothed Douchebag in Glasses. This almost forgotten gem from the early eighties or late seventies was ignored as just another mediocre folk-rock album (except without fingerpicking). But then diligent record executives with an inflated sense of their own aesthetic integrity and an inability to seek out new music decided to comb their label’s back catalogs for albums by established artists that nobody bought the first time. Luckily for us they found this one mouldering next to the ark of the covenant. This lovingly remastered disc comes with 20 pages of full color dental x-rays and liner notes written by a balding man with a ponytail from Rolling Stone. These notes are jam-packed with fanboy trivia and anecdotes that explain, among many other things nobody should care about, the answer to “What’s So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding?” Turns out its “understanding” – it comes last, so it’s the punchline! Besides, “peace” is deadly serious and “love” is for pussies. As an addition for the fans, there are bonus tracks with even shittier production, so you can really hear how chords sound.
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