Bizarro World Jesus

Despite his greater success, Bizarro World Jesus is frequently confused with Evil-Parallel Universe Jesus, whose miraculous abilities to lower the living and to turn bottled water into tap water uncannily mirror Bizarro World Jesus' own propensities for turning wine into Crystal Light and giving dead people erections. Both are skilled orators; few can listen to the parable of the Lying About Having a Condom On or the parable of the Bizarro, Bizarro, Bizarro without searching the pockets of their hearts for the loose change of the spirit, frantically hoping to find it in time to feed the parking meter of the soul.

In spite of these similarities, the two really are quite different; EPUJC has a mohawk and the shape of a goatee shaved into his beard while Bizarro World Jesus is black.  While Bizarro World Jesus has had a great deal of success in the recording industry, EPU Jesus, by contrast, has failed to successfully capitalize on the buzz generated by his appearance on American Eidolon. His soulful renditions of everything from Cheap Trick to Kraftwerk and his bad-boy charisma made him a fan favorite, but in the end his chances were scuttled when the taste of newly transubstantiated tap water drove a thoroughly unnerved Simon to quit the show. 

Of course, Bizarro World Jesus' success has led some critics to criticize him for forsaking his ministry.  This criticism, though true, is not entirely fair, as his gospel is ill-suited to being read out loud--relying, as it does, on the pauses between Bizarros--and his sermons, though inspiring in a Lovecraftian kind of way, tend to dissuade those few lost individuals who join the faith from remaining in this dimension for very long afterwards.

So perhaps the faithful can rest easy.  After all, the concentrated nonsense that fills the pages of the Bizarro Gospel has never reached a wider audience than it does today, and soon the unbelievers will drown in the Deluge of Unsweetened Kool-Aid, their last thoughts being surprise that the prophecy was actually using “literal” correctly. 

Qualitative Quantification: The Sound of Beige

The Cultural Object Roundup

The Cultural Object Roundup has long been dedicated to perfecting human knowledge by reviewing and rating everything in existence.  However, after google searches both numerous and exhaustive, we at The Roundup have determined that not a single critic in the MSM or blogosphere has yet to review us. As it is our mission to endeavor that no gap remains in human knowledge and thereby do no less than ensure that the contributions of all Christendom shine like an unsquelched beacon through the miasmic darkness of practical limitations, we hereby endeavor to review ourself:

The Cultural Object Roundup

How does a reviewer describe The Cultural Object Roundup? The Roundup certainly loves the sound of its own voice. Its commitment to focus has long led the Roundup to be a staunch supporter of the liberal plot for the promulgation Gay Marriage, under the assumption that if men are allowed to marry men, then the slippery slope will grant men the ability to marry anything, such as animals, objects and the sound of his own voice. Once a man can marry the sound of his own voice, then we are a mere constitutional amendment away from a concept being able to marry a turn of phrase, thereby entitling it to a lucrative tax deduction.

These salutary traits, unfortunately, are secondary; its stated mission is to endeavor, and thereby ensure. It does this through a unique combination of reviews of things that exist and previews of things that do not exist yet. Its goals are lofty and its methods eminently pragmatic. Certainly human knowledge is limited, even in the face of numerous successful PhD theses.  Consequently, it would seem that engaging untouched topics with the review--the most efficient of critical tools--would be the shortest route to universal human enlightenment. However, the success of this project is limited. After a lengthy perusal of its archives, this reviewer was unable to find anything on such mundane topics as calligraphy or the blogosphere.

The Roundup is, sadly, yet another noble failure. At its core is a fascinating project, but the rare flashes of endeavoring do not outbalance the the ostentatious lack of legal permanent residence. The Roundup would have been much better served by nervously hiding in the shadows, and working for sub minimum wage until, metaphorically speaking, an amnesty is offered in the form of our next review. When that happens we at the Roundup will be very interested indeed to see if the Roundup can overcome this incomplete completeness in its next endeavor. If it is, then our readership is ensured.

Qualitative Quantification: Perspicacity

Rhetorical Questions

How does the Roundup feel about rhetorical questions? Not very. They serve a useful purpose – allowing us to pretend that there is a reason for saying what we are about to say – but they also tempt the listener (or reader!) to provide their own answer. This just will not do. Even if the listener happens to recite the very words of which we are thinking and does so in an appropriately imperious tone (no easy task, peasant!), the answer will still be wrong for one simple reason; we are not saying it. This of course undermines the entire speaker-listener relationship and makez all conversation impossible!

Perhaps you think that this just means we must be careful in how we pose these questions? NO NO NO! YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! So you see? It just isn’t poss…stop it. Just stop it…STOP ANSWERING IN YOUR OWN HEAD!

Qualitative Quantification: way too many

Psychiatrists

Psychiatrists will call you things like “narcissist” or “incredibly narcissistic” or “Welsh,” when it is obvious that you are Irish. 

We’re certainly not going to pay you now! 

The hypocrisy of this diagnosis is not lost on the Roundup; how can you call another human being selfish while sitting there with your magical little pad, just three chicken scratches away from making us this purely hypothetical person happy and perfect, and refuse to give us them what we they need? The fetuses don’t need their stem cells, they’re just going to waste! Who else is going to use them? Christoper Reeve? He’s dead! 

Qualitative Quantification: 8/63 units moved

Church/Evolution

Church:

Fuck you, Church.

Qualitative Quantification: 0/1 Reasons to Live

Evolution:

Fuck you Evolution. Give me back my tail.

Qualitative Quantification: 0/1 informed decisions

Bees

You’ve seen them or heard them - or if you’re unlucky you’ve felt them. Sting you that is! Or if you’re really unlucky you’ve felt them sting you and then felt your air passages close up and then felt yourself dying. However, on the minus side the honey they make is often sticky.

On the flipside of the minus side - killer bees. Killer bees are great in theory, and theory is the bread and butter of all criticism. Since we at the Cultural Object Roundup live in an airtight bunker, we are fully confident that their migration pattern will keep them entirely theoretical for us. This facilitates our ability to accurately criticize the bee, because, as they will most likely remain harmless, we shall not be distracted by the possibility of death at the tips of innumerable Lilliputian knives, laced with fire and wielded with inexorable and mindless savagery. The unfairly maligned killer bee must be celebrated for its incredible tightrope act of balancing on the razor’s edge both its seemingly contradictory roles – member of a terrifying horde and the subject of idle speculation.

Another variety of bee is harmless, but without nearly the frisson: the bumblebee. The bumblebee’s stingerless body “bumbles,” or galumphs, from flower to flower while fulfilling his unique role in the ecosystem. Without the bumblebee playing its vital role in the great theater of the wild as nature’s fat little pussy, most of the other insects would have nothing upon which to vent their dissatisfaction. So go ahead and beat him up, its what Evolution wants you to do.

In conclusion, while their yellow stripes are pleasing to look at, their buzzing and inconsistent tendency to be bumble instead of killer are barely outweighed by how much bears love honey. So while at first blush flowers may be prettier, in the end bees are just less girly.

Qualitative Quantification: eleventy fractions

Measuring things with abstract concepts

You’ve heard it before. Someone will say something like the measure of a man’s worth is not his net, or actual, worth but is instead his capacity for love. Or that it is the thought that counts when clearly thoughts do not have the requisite mathematical skills to do any counting. If asked why, the speaker will probably say that some things just cant be measured without missing something essential and that to assign a number to something like love would negate it.

However this misses the point. The reason for measuring things is not to answer the question truly, so that it rings in harmony with the spheres, but to answer the question definitively so we can all get on with our lives. To put it another way, we measure not for accuracy, but for precision. If you are confused as to the difference between the two, think back to seventh grade science and remember the words of your teacher, whose lack of affect and general incompetence came--not from a lack of conscientiousness as you originally supposed--but from an experiment with 8 moles of C₁₃H₁₆CINO-HCL that never made the lesson plan. So while you scratched your head and stared as he botched a darts-and-target simile, you should have been learning from his example. He may have only been wrong some of the time, but he was always an asshole.

Qualitative Quantification: Infinite thumbs

Dr. Red Stag's Patent Cure for Modernity

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24, Seasons 8-14

The makers of 24, who first revolutionized television by combining an overly literal reading of Aristotle and a main character whose name rhymes with Power, follow up the success of the previous daylight savings themed season, 25: Spring Forward, Fall Apart, with an even lengthier longest day in Jack Bauer's life. The next six seasons will take place on Pluto, where the days are 153 hours long. The cast and crew are pretty tight lipped about the plot, but they have said that this season will find Jack, who was crucified in the last season by swarthy Aramaic-speakers, resurrected within the first four episodes in order to thwart a potential terrorist attack on Pluto. This time the terrorists are attempting to refine a plutonium bomb on Pluto in order to subject the English Speaking Peoples to the worst pun the language has ever seen. It is unclear at this point whether the terrorists will be motivated by hatred of our way of life or a desire to avenge Pluto's loss of planet status. What is clear is that the plot will not be clear! As Jack Bauer does things to terrorists that the ASPCA wont let us do to our food, Sutherland's performance will once again show a man balancing on the razor's edge between patriotism and sociopathy. The next six seasons once again promise us confront us with the moral compromises that must be made by men like Jack Bauer so that civilians like us have the freedom to safely watch shows in which someone almost inevitably gets stabbed in the throat.

Gift Guide: Christmas 2007

Famous and controversial once and future CEO E. Morgan Sprague is expected to dominate the non-fiction lists with Then Make Them Clean It Up With Paper Towels They Bought Themselves From A Store You Own. This follow up to his 2002 managerial-biography Come On All Their Faces should continue the lessons of that wildly popular tome by explaining how to subtract in increments of 10,000 and add in 1/8 and by instilling a contempt for people-who-stand-in-your-way-by-not-doing-what-you-want-quickly-enough in babe and adult alike – the perfect gift for reptilian middle managers and delusional white collar proletarians alike!

For those insatiable little gift-vacuums constantly mewling in your ear for the latest adventures of a magical nerd, try Harry Potter and the Turkish Bath. This delightful little fairy-tail has more of everything a little wizard craves - from giant hairy men riding bareback with monsters between their legs to elegant British sorcerers using their wands to shoot magic all over each other willy-nilly. Including twice as many stupid little made up words! Those precious kids of yours will be holed up in their rooms playing with their little wands in no time! Maybe now they’ll finally shut up - don’t get your hopes up though!

Elvis Costello releases his newest back catalog rerelease with newly remastered Bucktoothed Douchebag in Glasses. This almost forgotten gem from the early eighties or late seventies was ignored as just another mediocre folk-rock album (except without fingerpicking). But then diligent record executives with an inflated sense of their own aesthetic integrity and an inability to seek out new music decided to comb their label’s back catalogs for albums by established artists that nobody bought the first time. Luckily for us they found this one mouldering next to the ark of the covenant. This lovingly remastered disc comes with 20 pages of full color dental x-rays and liner notes written by a balding man with a ponytail from Rolling Stone. These notes are jam-packed with fanboy trivia and anecdotes that explain, among many other things nobody should care about, the answer to “What’s So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding?” Turns out its “understanding” – it comes last, so it’s the punchline! Besides, “peace” is deadly serious and “love” is for pussies. As an addition for the fans, there are bonus tracks with even shittier production, so you can really hear how chords sound.

Speed 3 or 4

Word on the street is that Sandra Bullock is ready to reprise her star-making turn in Speed in a more literal fashion than usual. Once again she is on board to play Annie Porter (Bullock), a woman whose penchant for moving violations is matched only by her incredibly paradoxical ability to be simultaneously lucky and unlucky in love. Keanu Reeves? Jason Patric? Both are pretty hot. Exploding buses? Out of control cruise lines? Filthy abortion clinics? Terrible romantic nights out! Sources say that, once again, Annie's newest nascent relationship--this time with Robocop (Peter Weller)--will be tested as they are caught in the maelstrom of a seemingly unavoidable disaster. The story takes off as they are in the middle of watching TV, possibly cuddling, when they learn that they are caught in the middle of a booby-trapped universe. If it expands too slowly the gravitational mass of the entire system will be pulled back into itself, crushing everything into a single point in space! If it expands too fast all celestial bodies will eventually disperse themselves so far apart that everything in the Universe will freeze in the absolute cold of deep space! What are they to do? As of press time, sources close to the studio are saying that the script, tentatively titled Speed 3 or 4: The Biggest or Smallest Bang is on page 8 trillion, with filming set to begin in about 300 years

Vampire Lifeguard

Chelsea Von D'Monde-Rodrigueski, beautiful and charismatic, with a perfect body and brilliant mind, was born over 300 months ago to a peasant family in what is now France, on the border of what is now Germany, but was, at the time, called West Germany. She has not aged a day since that fateful night she met Jonas. Darkly handsome, the mysterious German nobleman was at once menacing and magnetic. After a night of passionate melancholy, he revealed to her his terrible secret; he was probably gay.  After convincing her to become his eternal beard, he brought her over. Once they were in Germany he turned her into a vampire. For the last 2,100 days she has faced peril and passion with equal disinterest, but all this pales in comparison to the challenge she is about to face...

...the day shift.

In this sequel to her wildly successful Vampire Publisher, authoress Alina Reilly continues her chronicle of the war between two vampire factions. The evil vampires who wish to hunt and kill humans indiscriminately for sport are opposed by the good vampires who only kill humans for very good reasons, such as sport. In this sequel Reilly artfully creates a new protagonist, whose compelling perfection is complemented perfectly by the kind of incongruous yet charming insecurity of every female protagonist ever.  Although the lion's share of the novel is taken up by the Chelsea's backstory, this is appropriate in light the improbable chain of events that would lead an immortal creature of the night to take a job as a lifeguard at a public beach. The portion of the story set in the present is just as compelling, as Chelsea's really bad sunburn leads to a frantic quest to find a store that sells aloe and is open after dark while being followed by a mysterious figure who appears to be a villain but is actually Jonas.