Despite his greater success, Bizarro World Jesus is frequently confused with Evil-Parallel Universe Jesus, whose miraculous abilities to lower the living and to turn bottled water into tap water uncannily mirror Bizarro World Jesus' own propensities for turning wine into Crystal Light and giving dead people erections. Both are skilled orators; few can listen to the parable of the Lying About Having a Condom On or the parable of the Bizarro, Bizarro, Bizarro without searching the pockets of their hearts for the loose change of the spirit, frantically hoping to find it in time to feed the parking meter of the soul.
In spite of these similarities, the two really are quite different; EPUJC has a mohawk and the shape of a goatee shaved into his beard while Bizarro World Jesus is black. While Bizarro World Jesus has had a great deal of success in the recording industry, EPU Jesus, by contrast, has failed to successfully capitalize on the buzz generated by his appearance on American Eidolon. His soulful renditions of everything from Cheap Trick to Kraftwerk and his bad-boy charisma made him a fan favorite, but in the end his chances were scuttled when the taste of newly transubstantiated tap water drove a thoroughly unnerved Simon to quit the show.
Of course, Bizarro World Jesus' success has led some critics to criticize him for forsaking his ministry. This criticism, though true, is not entirely fair, as his gospel is ill-suited to being read out loud--relying, as it does, on the pauses between Bizarros--and his sermons, though inspiring in a Lovecraftian kind of way, tend to dissuade those few lost individuals who join the faith from remaining in this dimension for very long afterwards.
So perhaps the faithful can rest easy. After all, the concentrated nonsense that fills the pages of the Bizarro Gospel has never reached a wider audience than it does today, and soon the unbelievers will drown in the Deluge of Unsweetened Kool-Aid, their last thoughts being surprise that the prophecy was actually using “literal” correctly.
Qualitative Quantification: The Sound of Beige
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