Monday, August 22, 2011
App of the Day: ConvenienceApp
Hate having to remember and/or carry things? Sick of forgetting your password and then also forgetting your paternal grandmother's maiden name and whether you capitalized it when you signed up? Well this great little app will solve all of these problems and more. After downloading the app from your market of choice, all you have to do create an account is provide the required information, such as your full name, social security number, date of birth, gender, current address and phone number, past addresses for the last ten years, all bank account numbers, all credit card numbers, PINs, any passwords you have ever used, your entire family tree back at least four generation, every pet you ever owned, the names and phone numbers of your three best friends and then you're done! ConvenienceApp will generate a custom .txt file which it will store on its service, free for you to access at any time without having to worry about a remembering a password. Just do a search for your first or last name, and then select the correct choice from the potential matches and your info will download straight to your phone! Easy peasy!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Bizarro World Jesus
Despite his greater success, Bizarro World Jesus is frequently confused with Evil-Parallel Universe Jesus, whose miraculous abilities to lower the living and to turn bottled water into tap water uncannily mirror Bizarro World Jesus' own propensities for turning wine into Crystal Light and giving dead people erections. Both are skilled orators; few can listen to the parable of the Lying About Having a Condom On or the parable of the Bizarro, Bizarro, Bizarro without searching the pockets of their hearts for the loose change of the spirit, frantically hoping to find it in time to feed the parking meter of the soul.
In spite of these similarities, the two really are quite different; EPUJC has a mohawk and the shape of a goatee shaved into his beard while Bizarro World Jesus is black. While Bizarro World Jesus has had a great deal of success in the recording industry, EPU Jesus, by contrast, has failed to successfully capitalize on the buzz generated by his appearance on American Eidolon. His soulful renditions of everything from Cheap Trick to Kraftwerk and his bad-boy charisma made him a fan favorite, but in the end his chances were scuttled when the taste of newly transubstantiated tap water drove a thoroughly unnerved Simon to quit the show.
Of course, Bizarro World Jesus' success has led some critics to criticize him for forsaking his ministry. This criticism, though true, is not entirely fair, as his gospel is ill-suited to being read out loud--relying, as it does, on the pauses between Bizarros--and his sermons, though inspiring in a Lovecraftian kind of way, tend to dissuade those few lost individuals who join the faith from remaining in this dimension for very long afterwards.
So perhaps the faithful can rest easy. After all, the concentrated nonsense that fills the pages of the Bizarro Gospel has never reached a wider audience than it does today, and soon the unbelievers will drown in the Deluge of Unsweetened Kool-Aid, their last thoughts being surprise that the prophecy was actually using “literal” correctly.
Qualitative Quantification: The Sound of Beige
In spite of these similarities, the two really are quite different; EPUJC has a mohawk and the shape of a goatee shaved into his beard while Bizarro World Jesus is black. While Bizarro World Jesus has had a great deal of success in the recording industry, EPU Jesus, by contrast, has failed to successfully capitalize on the buzz generated by his appearance on American Eidolon. His soulful renditions of everything from Cheap Trick to Kraftwerk and his bad-boy charisma made him a fan favorite, but in the end his chances were scuttled when the taste of newly transubstantiated tap water drove a thoroughly unnerved Simon to quit the show.
Of course, Bizarro World Jesus' success has led some critics to criticize him for forsaking his ministry. This criticism, though true, is not entirely fair, as his gospel is ill-suited to being read out loud--relying, as it does, on the pauses between Bizarros--and his sermons, though inspiring in a Lovecraftian kind of way, tend to dissuade those few lost individuals who join the faith from remaining in this dimension for very long afterwards.
So perhaps the faithful can rest easy. After all, the concentrated nonsense that fills the pages of the Bizarro Gospel has never reached a wider audience than it does today, and soon the unbelievers will drown in the Deluge of Unsweetened Kool-Aid, their last thoughts being surprise that the prophecy was actually using “literal” correctly.
Qualitative Quantification: The Sound of Beige
The Cultural Object Roundup
The Cultural Object Roundup has long been dedicated to perfecting human knowledge by reviewing and rating everything in existence. However, after google searches both numerous and exhaustive, we at The Roundup have determined that not a single critic in the MSM or blogosphere has yet to review us. As it is our mission to endeavor that no gap remains in human knowledge and thereby do no less than ensure that the contributions of all Christendom shine like an unsquelched beacon through the miasmic darkness of practical limitations, we hereby endeavor to review ourself:
The Cultural Object Roundup
How does a reviewer describe The Cultural Object Roundup? The Roundup certainly loves the sound of its own voice. Its commitment to focus has long led the Roundup to be a staunch supporter of the liberal plot for the promulgation Gay Marriage, under the assumption that if men are allowed to marry men, then the slippery slope will grant men the ability to marry anything, such as animals, objects and the sound of his own voice. Once a man can marry the sound of his own voice, then we are a mere constitutional amendment away from a concept being able to marry a turn of phrase, thereby entitling it to a lucrative tax deduction.
These salutary traits, unfortunately, are secondary; its stated mission is to endeavor, and thereby ensure. It does this through a unique combination of reviews of things that exist and previews of things that do not exist yet. Its goals are lofty and its methods eminently pragmatic. Certainly human knowledge is limited, even in the face of numerous successful PhD theses. Consequently, it would seem that engaging untouched topics with the review--the most efficient of critical tools--would be the shortest route to universal human enlightenment. However, the success of this project is limited. After a lengthy perusal of its archives, this reviewer was unable to find anything on such mundane topics as calligraphy or the blogosphere.
The Roundup is, sadly, yet another noble failure. At its core is a fascinating project, but the rare flashes of endeavoring do not outbalance the the ostentatious lack of legal permanent residence. The Roundup would have been much better served by nervously hiding in the shadows, and working for sub minimum wage until, metaphorically speaking, an amnesty is offered in the form of our next review. When that happens we at the Roundup will be very interested indeed to see if the Roundup can overcome this incomplete completeness in its next endeavor. If it is, then our readership is ensured.
Qualitative Quantification: Perspicacity
The Cultural Object Roundup
How does a reviewer describe The Cultural Object Roundup? The Roundup certainly loves the sound of its own voice. Its commitment to focus has long led the Roundup to be a staunch supporter of the liberal plot for the promulgation Gay Marriage, under the assumption that if men are allowed to marry men, then the slippery slope will grant men the ability to marry anything, such as animals, objects and the sound of his own voice. Once a man can marry the sound of his own voice, then we are a mere constitutional amendment away from a concept being able to marry a turn of phrase, thereby entitling it to a lucrative tax deduction.
These salutary traits, unfortunately, are secondary; its stated mission is to endeavor, and thereby ensure. It does this through a unique combination of reviews of things that exist and previews of things that do not exist yet. Its goals are lofty and its methods eminently pragmatic. Certainly human knowledge is limited, even in the face of numerous successful PhD theses. Consequently, it would seem that engaging untouched topics with the review--the most efficient of critical tools--would be the shortest route to universal human enlightenment. However, the success of this project is limited. After a lengthy perusal of its archives, this reviewer was unable to find anything on such mundane topics as calligraphy or the blogosphere.
The Roundup is, sadly, yet another noble failure. At its core is a fascinating project, but the rare flashes of endeavoring do not outbalance the the ostentatious lack of legal permanent residence. The Roundup would have been much better served by nervously hiding in the shadows, and working for sub minimum wage until, metaphorically speaking, an amnesty is offered in the form of our next review. When that happens we at the Roundup will be very interested indeed to see if the Roundup can overcome this incomplete completeness in its next endeavor. If it is, then our readership is ensured.
Qualitative Quantification: Perspicacity
Rhetorical Questions
How does the Roundup feel about rhetorical questions? Not very. They serve a useful purpose – allowing us to pretend that there is a reason for saying what we are about to say – but they also tempt the listener (or reader!) to provide their own answer. This just will not do. Even if the listener happens to recite the very words of which we are thinking and does so in an appropriately imperious tone (no easy task, peasant!), the answer will still be wrong for one simple reason; we are not saying it. This of course undermines the entire speaker-listener relationship and makez all conversation impossible!
Perhaps you think that this just means we must be careful in how we pose these questions? NO NO NO! YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! So you see? It just isn’t poss…stop it. Just stop it…STOP ANSWERING IN YOUR OWN HEAD!
Qualitative Quantification: way too many
Psychiatrists
Psychiatrists will call you things like “narcissist” or “incredibly narcissistic” or “Welsh,” when it is obvious that you are Irish.
We’re certainly not going to pay you now!
The hypocrisy of this diagnosis is not lost on the Roundup; how can you call another human being selfish while sitting there with your magical little pad, just three chicken scratches away from making us this purely hypothetical person happy and perfect, and refuse to give us them what we they need? The fetuses don’t need their stem cells, they’re just going to waste! Who else is going to use them? Christoper Reeve? He’s dead!
Qualitative Quantification: 8/63 units moved
Church/Evolution
Church:
Fuck you, Church.
Qualitative Quantification: 0/1 Reasons to Live
Evolution:
Fuck you Evolution. Give me back my tail.
Qualitative Quantification: 0/1 informed decisions
Bees
You’ve seen them or heard them - or if you’re unlucky you’ve felt them. Sting you that is! Or if you’re really unlucky you’ve felt them sting you and then felt your air passages close up and then felt yourself dying. However, on the minus side the honey they make is often sticky.
On the flipside of the minus side - killer bees. Killer bees are great in theory, and theory is the bread and butter of all criticism. Since we at the Cultural Object Roundup live in an airtight bunker, we are fully confident that their migration pattern will keep them entirely theoretical for us. This facilitates our ability to accurately criticize the bee, because, as they will most likely remain harmless, we shall not be distracted by the possibility of death at the tips of innumerable Lilliputian knives, laced with fire and wielded with inexorable and mindless savagery. The unfairly maligned killer bee must be celebrated for its incredible tightrope act of balancing on the razor’s edge both its seemingly contradictory roles – member of a terrifying horde and the subject of idle speculation.
Another variety of bee is harmless, but without nearly the frisson: the bumblebee. The bumblebee’s stingerless body “bumbles,” or galumphs, from flower to flower while fulfilling his unique role in the ecosystem. Without the bumblebee playing its vital role in the great theater of the wild as nature’s fat little pussy, most of the other insects would have nothing upon which to vent their dissatisfaction. So go ahead and beat him up, its what Evolution wants you to do.
In conclusion, while their yellow stripes are pleasing to look at, their buzzing and inconsistent tendency to be bumble instead of killer are barely outweighed by how much bears love honey. So while at first blush flowers may be prettier, in the end bees are just less girly.
Qualitative Quantification: eleventy fractions
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